Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Things You Should Never Worry About

1. What car someone has:
So your friend’s rich uncle has an Aston Martin DB9, who gives a shit? Its value is going to depreciate steadily every year and he probably gets really drunk and then cries in the leather seats because nobody loves him.

2. How long you’ve slept: Life is tough, anyone who says otherwise is a raging moron. The only little respite we get from it is sleeping — the one time you truly, literally couldn’t give a flying fuck. Sleep as much as you want as often as you want. Punch anyone who has a problem with that.

3. What people think about you: There’s no way you can ever control that. So stop worrying about it. Let people form their own impression of you, if it’s not a good one, it’s their problem, let them deal with it.

4. Your choice of music: So you like Justin Bieber. Big shit. Buy a nice pair of noise isolating earphones, turn up the volume and rock that shit like there’s no tomorrow. If anyone mocks you about it, gift wrap a Biebs disc in a shiny pink wrapper and gift it to them with a ‘fuck you very much’ note. (Just citing an example, I don’t like Bieber, no really, I don’t.)

5. Being forever alone: Look at the bright side, you can wake up at 3am, play heavy metal and condition your hair — the freedom is unparalleled. And presumably, you’re holding out for someone who’s really worth it — psychologists have all the nice things to say about delayed gratification.

6. Your many OCDs: Nothing that brings you peace can be a disorder. You’re just a perfectionist living in a world full of people who don’t care if things are coordinated according to color, shape, length and usefulness among other criteria. Their loss.

7. All your friends getting married: Good for them. Their options are closed. You, on the other hand, are an explorer, a traveler with roads still left to be discovered, and treasures to be found. You’ll get married some day, maybe, what’s the rush? It’s not a race.

8. How much (or less) you earn: Sounds like a cliche, but think about all the people who can’t afford two square meals a day. If you’re reading this, you have access to the Internet, I can also safely assume you have food to eat because you’re alive, you probably even have access to a shower — what a life! Grab a sandwich and stop whining like a little bitch.

9. How cultured you are (or are not): Some folks brag about how many stamps they have on their passports, others can’t get over themselves because they can twist their hips and do salsa, yet others swirl and sniff wine more than they drink it. All this is optional. Life is not an obligation. You’re not collecting trophies. More than where you’ve been, what you know, or what you can do; people get won over by who you are.

10. The past and the future: Thinking about the past isn’t going to change it, the only thing it’s going to do it prevent the future from getting here.


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